


I Remember Now

by GoldenEmolga



Category: Kingdom Hearts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-28
Updated: 2016-08-28
Packaged: 2018-08-11 16:38:23
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,970
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7900024
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GoldenEmolga/pseuds/GoldenEmolga
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This fic was created as a complement to artwork done by Xlehxblog (on Tumblr).  We collaborated for the Kingdom Hearts World Connected Fanzine.  My piece was inspired by her work.  I hope you enjoy.  =)</p>
            </blockquote>





	I Remember Now

I remember that I defeated Vanitas.  And then he told me that it didn’t matter; that because I’d fought him, I’d already lost.  And the X-blade would be forged.

I remember that I learned that the Unversed came from him, just as he had come from me.  He told me that no matter what I did, no matter how many Unversed I defeated, their energy would just return to him, making him stronger.

I remember asking myself if I could become stronger… if I could truly defeat Vanitas?

No.  He’d already told me the outcome of that was decided.  And that there was nothing I could do.

I remember him telling me that he and Xehanort had planned all of this.  That the Unversed were supposed to make me, like Vanitas, stronger.  They were meant to lure me away from home and make me vulnerable.

And I remember that, according to him, I never stood a chance.

And then, everything went dark for a moment.  It felt like I’d lost myself.  I couldn’t move.  I couldn’t open my eyes.

But then I remember there was light again.  And suddenly I was back, though I felt as if I’d just awoken in a strange world, one that I wasn’t sure whether or not it truly existed.

I remember that I wasn’t alone.  Vanitas was there, waiting for me, waiting to finish what he’d started.

I remember him informing me that our union hadn’t been completed.  And he blamed me for the fact that the strange blade in his hand was dark and fragmented.

I remember refusing to join him, threatening to instead destroy him and the X-blade.  For good.

I remember him laughing and reminding me that, somehow, my heart was now a part of that mangled blade and that, if I were to successfully destroy it, my heart would be lost.  Forever.

But I remember that his words didn’t shake me.  I would do whatever it took to save Terra and Aqua.

I remember him scoffing at my resolve and questioning why I was so determined to help them.

And I remember informing him that I was a part of both Terra’s and Aqua’s hearts, just as they were part of mine.

For a brief moment, I remember wondering if that fact would save me somehow, even if I were to defeat Vanitas.  But then I realized that knowing the answer to that question wasn’t going to change my decision to fight.

“My friends are my power, and I’m there.”

I remember defeating Vanitas once more and him asking me why I’d made my decision, why I’d refused to join him.

I remember not having a good answer for him, realizing that he was fighting me simply because it was the only thing he knew.  I suddenly realized that Vanitas was not to blame.

I remember the look of desperation and terror on his face as he lost his grip on the incomplete X-blade.

I remember him failing to reach it before it shattered and scattered.  And a moment later, my own keyblade did the same.  All I could do was helplessly watch it happen because I, like Vanitas, was completely out of energy, and heart, to fight anymore.

I remember watching him fall into darkness and disappear.

I remember being unable to determine what emotion that image instilled in me.

Relief?

Joy?

Anger?

Frustration?

Guilt?

Sorrow?

Regardless, I remember not having much time to figure it out before I was engulfed in the light. 

Or so I thought.

I remember one last thing.  I think it happened after all of that.

I remember having one last thought.  And I still have no idea if it was valid or not.  I just remember the words coming to me from somewhere deep inside.

“This place…  I’ve been here.  So warm.  I remember now.  This is your heart.”

But now, that light is gone.  And so is the warmth.  I feel as if I am frozen, frigidly cold.  And yet, I feel nothing at the same time.  Maybe I’m really not cold at all.  Have I forgotten what it means to be cold?

Without the light, there is nothing to see, nothing to experience.  If I’m surrounded by anything, I am completely unaware of it.

I can’t hear anything either.  The silence is deafening somehow.

Without any stimulation to my senses, I’m unsure if I am even alive.  Is this what death feels like?  Is this because my heart really is gone?  Will I ever come back from this nightmare?

Or will I be trapped in this unbearable purgatory forever?

Is it really unbearable?  At least I am still able to think.  I have my thoughts and, well, nothing else actually.  I have nothing but my memories.

So I sit or float or exist in this nothingness and think.

I think of all my wonderful memories of Terra.  He really was—no—is an older brother to me.  I learned so much about myself and the world around me from him, even when he wasn’t trying to mentor me.  Just watching him improve and become stronger fueled my desire to do the same, to follow in his footsteps, and to make him proud.  I’m sure that I didn’t actually need to do anything more than be myself for Terra to be proud of me.  He’s really just a big softy after all.

And then there’s Aqua.  I know how proud she was—ugh—is of me, especially when I show growth:  not necessarily an increase in strength but an increase in heart.  She would be so disappointed in me if I were to just give up now and surrender to this dark void.  She’d want me to keep going, trying to make my way back to the light, to where my home is, to where my friends are.

So, for Terra and Aqua, I won’t give up.  I’ll try to figure a way out of this nothingness, though I’m not seeing any opportunities for escape.  I won’t let that defeat me though.  Not yet.  Besides, I just got here.  I need to give it time.

In the meantime, though, I have my memories as fuel to keep me going.

My memories and that dim speck of light way off in the distance.

Like, really far off in the distance.

Miles, I think.  I can hardly see it.  I just see some areas that are less black way over there.

Wait!

The light!

Suddenly, I had something to work with.  I had my heading.  It was dim and vague and far, but I didn’t care.  I thanked Terra and Aqua for sending me a sign.

As always, they are the source of my strength, and they are unwavering.

I still couldn’t feel my legs or my arms or the rest of my body.  I still couldn’t see anything else or hear anything, for that matter.  All I had was that speck of light way off in the distance.

So I willed myself to move towards it.  It was my only option.  Thinking of my friends and my hope to get back to them, I will myself towards the light.

And it worked.

Slowly, the light was growing brighter or larger.  Maybe I wasn’t even moving.  Maybe the light was coming towards me.  Either way, I didn’t care.  Honestly, I have no idea if I was contributing towards its motion or not.  However, if there was even the faintest change that I was making the light move towards me, I wasn’t going to question it.  I was going to keep moving.

Gradually, I realized that the light was not a single flash of white light.  In fact, it was made of multiple colors.  As I got closer and closer, I started to understand that those different colors were not random, but would take a shape.  But my eyes, from seeing nothingness for so long, had trouble focusing.  I knew I needed to be patient.

I was nearing the light when I started to comprehend that all of those colors were starting to look very familiar.  Though the lines blurred, I knew them well enough to appreciate what they were trying to depict to me.

A friend.

Aqua.

Beyond excited at the possibility of finding a friend who could help me out of this world of nonexistence, I used all of my willpower to hurtle myself towards the Aqua-colored light.  Before I knew it, I was right beside the blinding light.  It eclipsed all of the darkness, and I thought that perhaps by following it here, I had already escaped.  I didn’t dare to glance over my shoulder to find out though.

I tried to speak her name, but nothing came out.  This really was a place of complete silence.  The more I stared at the blaring light before me, the further it started to actually take shape.  I realized that the light wasn’t just an empty illusion of Aqua colors; it was Aqua herself, glowing regally before me.

She was smiling at me, and her eyes were filled with hope.  I wondered if she knew something that I didn’t.  Did she know how to get out of here?  If only I could ask.

But for now, I didn’t care that much.  All I knew is that I wanted to embrace her and thank her for coming to find me.  I still couldn’t feel my limbs.  I still couldn’t feel anything.  I didn’t even see my limbs when I glanced down, searching for my arms.

When I looked back up at Aqua, her expression had changed, and I instantly regretted looking away.  She’d graced me with her presence, and I had disrespected it.  But Aqua was a very forgiving friend.  She would understand why I had done it, right?  Right?

I stared at Aqua, wishing she would smile again.  Instead, she was frowning.  Instead, she looked defensive, but not against me.  Her eyes were fixed on something behind me.  Perhaps, there was a monster behind me, and she was telling it to go away.  Maybe the darkness was creeping in on us, and she wanted it to leave us alone.

I stared at her for so long, but her expression never wavered.  She hardly blinked.  She hardly moved.  She just stared behind me.  I realized that I’d already ruined the joy we could have had, just smiling at each other in the light that she provided.

So, I turned around.

But I didn’t see monster.

And I didn’t see the darkness encroaching upon her light.

I saw a friend.

Terra.

Something seemed wrong with him, though.  He was doubled over, clutching his head, and if I really looked, it seemed as if he was screaming, though I still couldn’t hear anything.  He looked as if he was in complete agony, and I knew I had to help him.

I began to will myself towards Terra.  I had to get to him fast and stop whatever was torturing him.  Just before I got to Terra, I glanced quickly over my shoulder at Aqua, hoping to inform her that I would be back.  Instead, I realized, again, the weight of my decision.  She looked incredibly disappointed, and before I could even consider doubling back to her, she vanished, taking most of the light in this dull world with her.

It was in that moment that I recognized just how many times I had chosen Terra over Aqua.  It was clear how many times I’d ignored her words and chased after him, even after he’d warned me that he needed to this or that alone. 

Why?

Why had I done that to someone who truly, unequally, had my best interests at heart?

But it was too late to contemplate that now.  I’d have to figure it out later.  Right now, Terra needed me.

But as soon as I turned back to Terra, my heart, if I still had one, sank.  Shattered, really.

He was grinning from ear to ear, looking eerie and mischievous.  Had he known that he could get me to turn away from Aqua, my main source of light in this void?  Or was he just enjoying the show as a bystander.  Whatever the case, he seemed to be very aware of what had happened and how crushed I felt about it.

And what’s worse is that I was now unsure if this was Terra or not.  He looked like Terra, but he wasn’t acting like him.

And those eyes.

Why did they have such an unnerving, golden glow to them?  Where was the calm, dark blue that was so familiar?

But once again, I didn’t have time to collect my thoughts because Terra was suddenly engulfed in a wave of pure darkness.  Again and without a sound, my friend was gone, and I was powerless to do anything about it.

Now, only the nothingness remained.  I was alone and without anything at all to guide me. 

It was my friends that had given me a glimmer of hope.  When I’d thought of them, they had appeared before me.  Maybe I just needed to repeat that process.  Maybe they would join me again if I begged them to, if I had faith that they would come for me.

So again, I reminisce, enjoying the pleasant memories of my friends and my teacher back home.  I wonder too if this place can show me Master Eraqus.  I miss him and want him here, even though I know that he’s gone forever.  But maybe I really am too, and we can be reunited in this place.

I wait and will and plead with the void to show me my friends again, and yet, there is nothingness still.  I have no idea how long I went in circles with my memories, with one elapsing into the next as if playing out my entire life over and over.  It could have been minutes.  It could have been hours.  It could have been days.  It could have been years.  Honestly, I have no idea.  With no outside influences or stimulation, how was I to tell if time was even passing at all.  All that existed were my thoughts.

And that pale light over there.

The light!

It was back!

Again, I willed myself towards it.  Again, I realized that the light wasn’t just a single note but many.  Many that made up my friends.

This time, they were together, as if for my convenience.  This time, they weren’t making me choose between them.  If I could have opened my mouth to thank them, I would have.

Soon enough, I was before them again, but I was distraught that things weren’t as they had been last time.

Aqua was on her knees, arms draped lifelessly at her sides and her head drooping.  I couldn’t tell if she was even breathing or if any life remained inside of her.  I examined her face to find that her eyes were dark, almost as dark as this place had been without their presence.

I wanted to hold her and bring her back, but truthfully, I was also afraid of her.  What had she done to get like this?  Had she surrendered to the darkness?

Terra, too, looked different.  He looked nearly devoid of color, and I wondered if he had also lost himself and given in to the darkness.  His eyes were also devoid of light, and yet, his face and demeanor seemed to suggest that he was full of regret.  If he’d fallen victim to the darkness, he was now fully aware of it and wanted nothing more than to break free, though he looked as if he lacked the energy or the heart to even try.

Seeing them, a new thought overcame me and dismissed all of the good memories that I had been so desperately clinging to.  Seeing them, I was disappointed in them.  How could they let this happen to themselves?  And to me?  How could they not have seen this coming and stopped it?  When we had all been together, why couldn’t we overcome the darkness and those who controlled it?

How could Terra have just so blindly followed Master Xehanort’s plans?  Together they had vanquished Master Eraqus!  Why?  How could he have been so foolish?  How could he so easily fall victim to the power of darkness?

And Aqua.  How had she failed to intervene?  Master Aqua!  She had all of the knowledge and power passed down from Keyblade Master to Keyblade Master, and yet, she was powerless to stop one who had gone astray!  She couldn’t even help me.  She probably didn’t even want to.

How?

How can the power of light be so weak that it is always consumed by darkness?  It’s light!  It should vanquish the darkness as soon as it touches it!  Why does it always feel like those of us in the light are always at a disadvantage to those who wield the darkness?   

Perhaps, Terra figured that out, and he was merely trying to harness the dark’s power to protect us?  But if so, why didn’t he tell us?  We could have helped!  Together, we could have done it.

We could have done anything.

And yet, we did nothing.  Nothing but fall victim to Xehanort’s schemes.  We were just pieces on his grand chessboard.  Just pawns for his amusement and his need to attain greater authority.

And Master Eraqus had known him and distrusted him for years.  Why didn’t he send us after him years ago, or even take him out long before I had gotten involved?  Yes, why hadn’t they taken action before I was literally torn in two, before half of me was mutated into that monster that I was forced to defeat on my own?  No one else was capable?  It had to be me?

Vanitas.  Perhaps, you are my only friend in all of this.  Perhaps, we were both just victims to these fools and their games.  If only you were here, I could maybe try to understand, without their influence, just who you and I really are.  Maybe we could escape oblivion together.

But I doubt things would go well between you and I.  We could have joined forces.  You knew that if we fought, we would both be lost to this place, and yet you willingly cooperated.  Was life so bad that you just wanted to end it and have some fun on the way out?  If only there had been more time, maybe I could have learned how to trust you and how to help you.

But I doubt it.  I think that I blame you the most, Vanitas.  If you hadn’t fought me, we—no—I wouldn’t be here.  How dare you take away my chance to live, to change the world that my friends and my teacher helped to destroy?

I could have done something.

I could have prevented this.

With more time.

I just needed more time.

And yet now, I think I have infinite time.  And what does that change?  Nothing.  Nothing at all will come of me mentally going in circles in this place.

And yet, here I am.

Maybe existing.

Maybe not.

Going in circles trying to figure out who was on my side.

And who was not.

I think I have the answer now.

No one. 

I was alone from the start, and I will be alone here at the end.  No one to guide me.  No one to help me.  No one to show me the light, though I’m not sure if that’s even what I want anymore.

So here I am.

Going in circles and thinking of nothing but my rage for those who lied to me and conspired to use me for their game.

Alone in the dark, I dwell and simmer and hate.

There is nothing left for me.  I no longer wish to return to that world.

I am content here, so leave me alone.

Suddenly though, I am here.

No, there, I guess.

I am no longer where I was for so long, in my prison of nothingness.

I am overwhelmed with blinding light and deafening noises.  There is a gang of either people or monsters before me, and I am suddenly overwhelmed by the intense pain of one of them grabbing my shoulder.

Maybe they’re just touching it, but without the sensation of touch for so long, I can only understand it as a possible attack.

And so I act, grabbing the hand, flinging myself forwards and on top of its owner.  I have it pinned beneath me, though I can hardly make out any shapes around me.

And the voices screaming and yelling are splitting my head in two.  Part of me tries to reason out what each is saying and rationalizing that no one is even speaking angrily, but my instincts won’t let me calm down.  I have my prey beneath me, and I will destroy it before dealing with the rest.

The lights and colors and shadows are starting to resemble familiar shapes, but the one pinned beneath me is the only thing worth my attention right now.  And I am shocked by the silhouette that I see.

Vanitas.

Is this death now, or am I back among the living?  And if I am, how is he here?  How did this monster escape our battle?

Maybe I’m wrong, though.  Maybe it isn’t him at all.  After all, I can hardly see.  I just see his vague outline, but it seems so strikingly familiar.  It has to be him.

I try to calm myself because I want an explanation before I eliminate him.  I want answers, and I imagine he is the only one with a chance of giving me any.

He seems to sense the change in my intentions, and he lays a hand on mine, the one that is currently loosening around his neck.

After a cough, he speaks, and I recognize the voice instantly.  It is him, though he sounds much more calm and rational.  More mature.  Maybe he knows that I’m in a position to destroy him.  Maybe, for one, he’s afraid of me, instead of the other way around.

“I’m so glad I got to meet you,” he said, sounding almost tired but relieved somehow.

I tried to study his face, but his features were still too blurry for me to understand the emotions he was feeling.  One thing was clear.  He was different.

His eyes were a vivid blue.

Just like mine.

I tried to speak, but I had trouble forming any coherent thoughts.  I settled for a confused, pained “Vanitas?”

The Vanitas imposter shook his head, and I could just make out a smile.  I felt sick, having just attacked someone I didn’t even know.  Though, he felt so familiar, besides him looking like my other half.

“Then, who—?” I tried to ask shakily, not sure if my words could even be understood.

“Sora,” the boy answered.

Sora.  It was a perfect name for him, though I’m not sure why.  And as soon as he said it, I felt like he had just reminded me, not told me for the first time.  Who was this boy?  Why was I so sure that I knew him?  And why was I so sure that he was important to me?

“Listen.  I don’t have much time left,” he said, sounding joyful but exhausted at the same time.

I wanted to ask him why, but it seemed like he had something he wanted to say.  I would ask after he was done.

“I just wanted to say ‘Thank you,’ Ventus, and that I’m sorry for making you wait so long.  I hope you can forgive me.”

The boy’s words made no sense to me, but then again, I wasn’t sure of anything anymore.  I was confused and yet desperate to understand.  What was he thanking me for?  And what was he sorry for?  I wanted to know.  I needed to know.

“Just who are you?” I asked, finally gaining control over all of my senses and limbs again.

My eyes were fixed on him, and I chose not to look away.  I’d learned my lesson about looking away from someone important.  That being said, I could hear that we weren’t alone.  I was fairly certain I heard the sounds of crying, tense shuffling, and a loud gulp.  I wondered what their meaning could be, but I decided to find out later.

The boy still hadn’t answered me, and I soon came to understand that he probably couldn’t respond, even if he wanted to.  I seemed to be watching the life leave him, and I wasn’t sure if I was the cause or not.

Just as I made up my mind to jump off of him and attempt to revive him, something bizarre happened.  Suddenly, the boy was no longer Sora.  His appearance had changed just enough that it was clear he was someone new.  Well, not entirely new. 

He was… me.

I looked down at a reflection of myself, speechless and concerned.  Was I no longer myself?  No, that wasn’t possible.  The boy had called me by my name.  I was still me.  But, was this boy also me?

He looked up at me with Sora’s blue eyes, one feature that hadn’t changed.

“Who are you… now?” I asked, now unable to move despite wanting to let the new boy move freely.

“Now?” he asked, just as disoriented as I was. 

I could tell he was thinking, but I noticed many emotions quickly flash across his face, as if trying to figure out who he was had brought up painful memories from the past.

“I’m… not Sora,” he informed me, though he sounded uncertain as he said it.

I was impressed that he had basically read my mind.  In the past, had someone asked if he was Sora?  I suppose I was no better.  I had nearly asked if he was me.

“And… I’m not you either,” he continued, seeming to gain more confidence with each declaration.

I found it eerie that he was able to predict that guess too.

“I’ve been called Number XIII, but I don’t want to be part of the Organization anymore,” he declared.

Number 13?  Organization?  Those meant nothing to me.  Then again, I figured I’d have to get myself reoriented to everything eventually so why not start with something new.  Maybe this other me could teach me a lot about this new place I was in.

Maybe he was the key.

He looked at me and grinned.  He was sure of himself now, and I hoped I would soon feel that same way.

“My name is Roxas,” he informed me, his eyes glistening.

I felt like I had just witnessed something special, though I was entirely unable to appreciate it since I was so lost myself.  I felt as if I had just seen someone reborn or rescued from a life of captivity or something.

And maybe, that’s what had happened to me.  Maybe Sora had just saved me and Roxas from some prison we couldn’t understand.  I wondered where he’d gone.  Had he turned into Roxas?  I made a mental note to ask him when things had settled down.  There was so much I needed to know.  Maybe Roxas would have the answers.

“And you?” he was asking me, still looking pleased with himself.

“What about me?” I asked stupidly.

“It feels like I’m looking into a freaky mirror, one that has the ability to age people or something,” he said with a laugh.  “Are you me from the future?”

“No,” I managed to say, wondering if during that time in the void my body had actually continued to exist and age without me.

“Then?” he continued, growing impatient.

“I’m… Ventus,” I managed to say.  “But my friends call me—”

“Ven,” stated two very familiar voices in unison.

I finally turned my attention away from Roxas for the first time and looked into the crowd behind us.  I saw plenty of faces I didn’t know, but there were two I recognized instantly.

Terra.

Aqua.

In the darkness, I had been consumed by irrational thoughts, thoughts that claimed that those two should have known better than to make the mistakes they had, thoughts that demanded answers as to why they’d been unable to save me.

And yet, none of that mattered here.

Upon seeing them, I was sure now.  I knew that they were truly my friends and that I’d do anything for them, just as they’d do anything for me.  Likely, that was why they were here today.  Likely, that’s why I had been brought back from that dark oblivion.  Likely, they had also been suffering for years.  I could see that they had aged, maybe even ten years, but they still were very clearly my friends.

As I studied their faces, covered in tears and smiling like idiots, it all came back to me.  I remembered who I truly was.  I remembered who they truly were.  I remembered where I truly belonged:  here with them.  And I knew that I had them to thank.  And Sora too.

And suddenly, I made the connection that it must have been Sora, so long ago, who had fixed my fragmented heart.  It must have been Sora who had brought me back from the darkness.  And just now, it must have been Sora’s sacrifice that brought me back to my friends.

I knew my friends were here with me, and I understood how I felt about them.

I realized who Sora was and just why he was so important to me.

I knew who I was and what I needed to live up to.

I remember now.

Thank you.

Aqua.

Terra.

And Sora.


End file.
